Jay tells me time does not exist                                                                                 2004
while he sits across from me
 acting like he's four
 trying to exact a smile
 rat tells me time is not on time
 while I sit here drinking coffee that is probably past its time
 my time either came and didn't see it
 or its yet to come
 but what is time
is is something  you  read on the clock
 this time a joke God place in our hearts
 or something  we have created to disillusion  ourselves

Where are you?                                                                                                   2006
My love,  my lover
 the man I have carried for
 when can I tell you all love
 I keep deep in my heart
 where are you. you thief
 you who stole into my heart
 like a bandit in the dark
 taking for me, never second looking
  or even thinking of giving
 where are you?  my demon
Watching my thoughts and my dreams
 wracking my body with emotional pain
 torturing my ideas of idealism
creating my grief
 where are you
My dream  my deceiver
 giving the false streams  we've created
 allowing the hope to form in my eyes
 daring to give my heart room
 telling the lies
that are my fruit of expectation
where are you
 my love
 my dreamer

                                                                                               2004
Miss you, here in my life                                                                                                
the daily checkups
 reality brought back
 the little black hole
 deep in my mind
 I feel as though you took the whim
 the important part of me
 alone on this platform
 breaching for me to find me
 allow me to find you
the us that used to be
 we don't exist
 who is the me
 without you
Adjusting is hard
 can we be  confidants 
 intimates to each other
I miss you

I'm stuck in stupid girl mode               2003
my tongue is just wagging
 nothing intelligible comes out
 i have lost the easy sense of wit
 no banter is coming forth
 I'm not even able to send you
I'm ready to scream and throw a fit
 but my blushes embrace me
 frozen as a deer caught in headlights
 eye contact makes me stutter  I would be horrified if you knew
I've tried to make contact
 small little gestures I am the full
 you are the Muse
 I bat my eyelashes my heart flutters
 I'm pining for you

Words that I write                                                                    2003
words on paper
 words to swim inside my head
 words that I can find no words for
 pain that has no description
 loss that has no name
 worry that fills an empty vocabulary
 stumped confused
 lost inside a mind
find solace in nothing
 prayers that feels so empty
thoughts that are so dark
 dreams that seem misplaced
 a miscarriage of the mind

I tell him Im gay I tell him im living a lie,
he says he wants me happy,
      lie,
I tell him im not in love with him,
but I could try harder
    lie
he says he can live with that,
I will be who he wants me to be
     lie,
he loves me
I love him
     lie
Its better this way
    lie