Him

 Last night he smiled at me
  His face was so bright
 I felt butterflies in the stomach
 Last night he winked at me
 And it felt like an invitation
Last night he hugged me tight
 I Breathed him in
 My breath came quick
  My crush did bloom
And now I want to taste
He’s smart and witty
 But I know it’s too soon
 .But I’m going to make my desire known

Baby I like you

Dipping your toe in the water

I can see your recovering 

Making the hard decisions 

finding the new you

Moving on discovering 

 So How do I tell you 

  How do I say

  You can lean on me

  Cause I like you

Your packing up

This isn’t just a break

Ending a decade

You haven’t given in

Even when feelings don’t stop

  So How do I tell you

   How do I say

   Let me ease your heartache

   Cause I like you

I know it’s still awkward 

Even if your friends

Still sharing space

Things are never simple in the end

   So How do I tell you

    How do I say

    Let me be the next in line

    Cause I like you

You need a little fun

I know your looking forward 

This chapter has just begun 

As things change

Your smile lingers lasts longer

So how do I tell you

How do I say

Let me be a distraction 

Cause I like you

Abandon your heart

Just for a minute 

Allow it to pass

Cause baby

Yes baby 

I like you

Can we speak of love,                                                                                                2003
or would that be too taboo,
could you handle my limitless heart
 would you embrace it
or would you throw me to the wolves
 can I hold you in the cradle of my arms
 could you sustain my appetite
 allow the sweet and sweat to pour from me
 can we concentrate on making love
 put the disagreements away give up the fight
 understand the differences that make us unique
 would you hold my hand while he walks through
 this life that seem so bleak
 could you bring me into your secret life
share all the feelings  hidden deep inside
 bear our souls to each other
 can I show you the soft sensitive side?
 will you make yourself vulnerable
             to me.
Will you let me spend a lifetime drowning in your kisses
 even if in eternity

stay/ May 2019

I beat myself up

I tear myself in two

There's a pressure in my chest

Tears I can't stop

For wanting you

There are days I deny 

Days I wallow 

Days I hope

Sometimes I don't try

It hurts to breathe 

The words written on my heart

 pride I swallow 

Touches not fulfilled 

I burn 

I yearn 

For words to flow

I cry

I say goodbye 

I want you

Stay

I'm in love with you

Missing you/ june 2019

Missing you has become my companion 

Who holds me at night

Wrapping your dark fingers 

Around my heart 

Missing you has become the place I daydream

Giving me illusions of what might have been

Missing you has been like a hole in my soul

Where the cold wind whips through

chilling me to the core

Missing you has become a part of my existence 

Like breathing 

While razorblades slice my lungs

Missing you has been my companion 

For it's all I have left of you

I love u

I love u.

I love u because you’re kind.

You open doors, walk on the side the road is, slide your coat over my shoulders.

I love u for being a gentlemen.

I love u despite your bad skills at pool, bowling and probably any physical sport.

I love u for embracing your silly,lack of fear of embarrassing yourself.

Your Wit, sarcasm and blend of goofy Speaks to my soul .

You smile.

I love u for you ability to adventure. Try new foods, and drink snobby beer.

I love u because your manly without being overbearing.

I love your beard. I want to run my hands in it and use it to pull you close to me.

I love u for your fierce friendship and loyalty. Your compassion for others in need, is exemplary.

I love u for the gentle way you let a girl down. It's how you end things that Mark's the character.

I love u because you don't give up.

I love u because you care for me. I love u for offering to beat up anyone.

I love you even though you dont love me.

wound

I have a friend I am in love with. He loves me, but is not in love with me.
It pains me like an open sore.
I have a gal pal who likes my friend and asked me to inquire, into his interest in her.
My comfort level in this was nonexistent. I did this thing I asked. It hurt to do so.
I love my friend and his happiness matters to me.
He said “let’s puta pin in it” meaning maybe. I wanted to curl into a fetal ball of pain.
My mind screams why her? She is not even your type. She’ll drive you crazy, but I don’t.
I love my friend and I keep my mouth shut and guard my heart.
Someday when my friend meets someone I will have to walk away. I can’t watch him fall in love.
My heart is an open wound.

Heartache

I have loved someone, only for a short time. A short time in matters of the heart is endless. The worse thing about loving someone, Is when they are gone The love and heartache remain. It feels endless even though I know, it’s not.
When you lose a friend it is unbearable. Friendships take pieces of you. So it’s like losing a part of you.  Especially when you feel isolated. Alone.  Unworthy of friendship or love.
 I am dark and twisty on the inside.
I am a crumbling monolith
I Am nothingness
I am heartache

Dark place

 I’m in the dark place. I know it, I can feel it. It’s so hard to exist in this place,when your sinking. I feel so fragile every small things sets me to tears.  I felt it building for last couple weeks I knew it was coming when it hits it hits so hard .
  The thing about chronic depression it comes and goes like the waves of the ocean. Right  now I can feel that wave cresting. It is hard as a person with depression and you share those feelings are your thoughts with other people.  So many of them want to solve the “problem “.  I don’t share my feelings to hope for someone to solve them .I share my feelings to lighten the weight on my chest and maybe I don’t sink as fast.
But I’m fragile, like a Chinese vase with many cracks.

Don’t see

What you don't see

Is I need you more than you ever needed me

i was just a footnote in this life

A moment in your history

What you don't see

I was drowning in loneliness

My days filled in silence

Struggling with emotional strife

What you don't see

Was the void you filled

I didn't  know I was empty

My days turned brighter

What you don't see

Is my absence of bliss

Dark where I dwell

The tomb where I'm sealed

What you don't see

How I lay awake at night

The hollowness inside

The silent tears I fight

What you don’t see

Is this struggle I hide

My inner war

How I’m dying slow

What you don’t see

Is how I long to hold you tighter

How I wish for just a kiss

To lean into you in the moonglow

What you don't see

Is me

Black dove/2000

 Beautify my love
 Flyaway upon a cloud
 Let not another sound
Drown into our thoughts
 Take me to a place where memories are forgot
 in another time or space
So all these mistakes can be erased
 But don’t forget me, my love
Believe what I see , fly our hearts away
On a beautiful black dove.
 Reason our kisses clarify our caresses
 So there is no listlessness
 In our awaited dreams twinkle time holds us
 Till we become , at the seams
 Dangle me from a thread
As long as Your hand is dangling  me
 As our minds change and dreams pass each other
 Love making me free
 To feel as I should
 Your eyes search my soul
Your liquid movements make me a cold
I dote on you
 Beautify my love
Fly me away On a black dove

But it’s so hard /2000

 What horror do I bestow
 Confront me now tell me how you feel
 I am not your rebound
 I am truly sure
 Maybe it’s because I wouldn’t or even shouldn’t
 But allow me to be blunt
 For my heart does not belong
I couldn’t have you, depart
I could be wrong, confusion
 I didn’t want to be losing
But it’s so hard to start again

Cast me /2000

Cast me into a Oblivion
 Where I shall seek shelter
 Engage with helter-skelter
 Take me away from all my distaste
 All this material hates
 Define myself
Make me an Opaque bead
 So I might live in unlikely fairytale
This doom, this life , this rageing hell
Take me to another realm
 A bottomless cup
 Deliverance into her arms
 The whole of blackness
 Where there are no charms
no chains of conformity
Where I am, not my reality
Find me in heaven
 Cast me into oblivion

8-14-01

 Forgot my sight in hidden thoughts
 Fiery desires long to think
 An angel or a saint
 For finer things to be remembered
by me
Then it happened, a reckoning of sorts,
 I found my heart bestowed by God
 No waste was lain
 In a  fraud’s eyes  I was in an insomniac‘s dreams
 Found in my rapture
the joy to behold
 Blessed beyond measure
Filled by sight
 Announced, found, forgotten, not
me here I stand
Faith restored

rage 2000

Rage
 Where it comes from
 In the pits of my soul
 Letting it out of the cage
 Mixed emotions of lost
I scream
The urge to lose control
 toss that brunette in a dark gaping hole
 I would tear her eyes from her head
I would shave him bald and beat him till he’s dead
I could kill and maime
 And blame it on insanity
 My love poetic justice
 Well name of that and leave it for some bomb to find
But instead alleviate the pain with pen and paper
 I heart wrenching rhyme
2001

4-27-01

 Where is my yesterday lost be on my tomorrow
 Sitting smoking my death
 Smoldering and rot
In my thoughts  foreign  is this taste
 What I have found ,
 In this strange life
 Such a forbidden sight
 But I’m unsure of now of what can be found
Where is my enlightenment

4-26-01

 How did what I glimpse
 Disappears so well ?
 Vanished into thin air
 All that we had shared
 If it is supposed to be
Or your just not good enough for me,
 Don’t let it be so
When we touch the world fades
 We fall into our oblivion
 Yes you and me
 Yet vanished it has become lost to some unknown causes
 Diminished destroyed by simple words
 That I truly wish I’d never heard
What pain do you hold
 Deep within your clutches
It keeps you from growth
 What hurt you harbor in your minds eye
 To avoid your hearts touchl
 You shelter yourself from all to see
 You stay aloof
Does it ravage you much?
Staying up at night writhing  in pain
 Is it just a mask
 So not to unveil your game
 Deceit it might be
 For this truth is elusive
 And not for me to see

3/20/01

 Son did shine
 In that patch of clovers
 As we sat so near
 Your gentle touch
 Letting all go
  Brought a true rush
It was truly Devine
To not know fear
 Caresses that shot shivers
 Kisses softer than a whisper
A sigh drifted from within
 Breeze whispering hidden thoughts
As we sat silent
 No words for sought
your hands washed over me
 Like the falling rain
 Your heated breath was a song
With no name
I gloried in our moment
Intimacy memory never to forget

3-24-01

 I glimpse something special
 The incredible miracle
 What could be in store
The rapture created
 The joy stated
To truly be untold
 In my minds eye
They heaven to hold
Yet the pull to be
 To hell at bay
 With fear and knowledge inside

possiable 2000

 In the dark and shadowed nights ,
My mind fought  while deserted thoughts,
 Sought to destroy my life
 My breath
 Yet upon awakening
 There were no more fights
 Inside my dreary confines I found rest
 And the title wave subsided
 At the thought came and went
 I had a few fits
 I chose to MoveOn
To not invite my fear and foe
 The shadow will not overcome me
Nor pull me down below
 For through my brothers and sisters
 Recovery is possible
2001

bad decisions 2015

 This recipe for disaster
 You and me
 These little office meetings
 But late at night
 I think of your hands on me
 I want it all I want more
 Frisk me please
 Push me up against the wall
 Your body against mine
Dangerous is the dalliance
 Exciting this for Flirtation
 Hurt Is what I’ll be

pain2014

 My pain is the lightest of touches
 Like a feather
 Drifting on the wind
 Brushing past me
 My sorrow continuously rushing
 Never ceasing
 Never better
Praying for it to mend
 Mike pain comes and goes
 Like a surly cat
 Surprising me unexpected
 Heavy is my heart
 Heavy is my state of living
 Clings to me
 Leaving me breathless never to part
4-21-14

Yes

last night 2019

As I lay in bed
My body throbbing
I hate you a little bit
Your so good at this torture
Keeping me in my head
Ignore my feelings
I’m silently sobbing
This is my own fault
I tell myself lies
I’ll let you use me
I committed to this
There will be no goodbyes
So you take
And open like a flower
Why you find bliss
I close my eyes
I won’t let you have that power

cry 2019

I let you do it again,
With your serious eyes
I ask for more
You turn it around
You make the blame mine
Should I want more ,
it’s my sin
So I I feel the pain
I let I happen again
just as before
But you act like your kind
when the night comes
You take it like a man
I don’t make a sound
I don’t want it to be my fault
As I stumble away
You sleep
I cry

j/k not done

 I made it through the whole day made it through a shower not a tear .
 Made busywork for myself and distracted myself .
 Ate lunch talk to a friend feeling good .
 I think I have no more tears I’m done .
 And then a song comes on the radio hits me We are at Hurts
Kidding you’re not done hears some more tears.
 How pathetic i am “that girl”

Lady Antebellum - Cold as Stone (Lyrics)

brain juice

There are days that your just so angry with yourself, today is one of those days. Im angry with myself, for my emotions and how they destroy the beautiful things in my life sometimes. I wish I was different, more normal.
 I pulled over and cried because the lines in the road blurred so much...
Traitorous heart of mine.
This life I choose to live is sometimes to hard but its how I love.
So as my tears come this evening and I feel this pain, I remember this is a choice I choose to this lifestyle, and rejection is painful and hard but a truth and fact of life.
This geek Girl will have to dust her self off and move on.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!

goodbye

I don't want to
But I must
 My heart swells
my feelings flood
my love blooms
I am you
you are me
don't leave me
come back to my arms
but you cant
I let you go
I look
sad
But all things end

Sad

Inspiration came like a train
flooding me
pancakes covered in syrup
My unruly brain
making a mess feeling obsessed
 longing to clear up
my muddled heart
my struggle destroys
that witch I hold dear
this will pull us apart
brain juice
losing my control
Allowing in fear
longing so strong
indecision
my muse

Don’t give up

You’re drowning, I see you struggle.

You feel like giving in.

You want it to end. 

But, this life holds so much more.

Simplify your sight

Look for the wonder of the world.

Marvel at the stars and depth of space,

Savor a pleasing taste,

Hug your child and feel the greatest love you know.

Watch the snow fall at night,

As it glistens, know wonder

Feel beauty in a song you love,

But don’t give up the fight,

You are more than anyone see’s

Beautiful soul

Excerpt from the book

  I was running again. The dark night wrapped around me, invigorating me, filling me with peace. The moon’s light would penetrate the forest canopy in flashes. I could smell the pine needles crunching under my paws, smell the field mice and my prey. I followed my nose, as I ran through the forest. Breathing deeply, I pushed myself to run faster. The elk was near, I veered right and the breeze changed direction. And I smelled something else, someone I didn’t know. I crashed through the forest as fast as my legs would go. There was a clearing ahead I slowed as I came nearer and sniffed the air. I smelled wolves and a lot of them.

I started backing up when I heard the growling behind me. I turned quickly to see a large growling grey wolf behind me. A small whine escaped my throat. The large beast snarled as he lunged.

“NO” I shouted , I was sitting straight up in my bed, sweat trickling down my back. Another dream.. I sat there trying to calm my racing heart. Always the wolf dreams.

I glanced at the clock, 3am is too early.  I got up and walked to the studio area of my suite. I ran my hands over my brushes, as I recalled my dream. I allowed my hands to take over getting lost in the imagery emerging on the canvas.

  “Amelia!” my mother's voice said shrilly, I jumped.

“Another beast? And why are you not dressed yet?”  disapproval was heavy in her voice.

“it’s a wolf mom”, I told her with exasperation, “also I lost track of time, what time is it?”

“Its six AM, Amelia. You need to get ready” she turned and walked towards the door. “make sure you show that one to Gary, ok?” she casually threw over her shoulder as she left.

  I stared at the painting on my easel. The wolf was a large gray wolf with white streaks down its snout, and something strangely familiar in the green eyes. I got goose bumps along my arms I sighed and decided to let it go. I really need to get ready for the trip.

I walked to the window and looked out at the desert landscape, I hate Nevada.

Blog more.

 So in my attempt to find new work I’m going to try to freelance write and blog more.  I am ready to start living the life I’ve always wanted to, live my dream or something close to it.