worry and content

 When were alone

You make me feel significant

Warmth and care

Radiate off your presence

I just want to belong

Publicly its different

I'm your secret

Even in its regularity

I long for the essence 

Of familiarity

This uncharted affair

Needing clarity

Accepting the untold

Worried its shame 

That hides us away

Guarding my heart

In case it's counterfeit

When we kiss

I lose all control

I lean in for support

When were alone

We are just us

I can be undone

Relishing on doing what i please

No worries 

About who will see

I can feel myself slipping

Hoping you'll catch me

When i fall

crazy

 

But it's so mixed

 Confront me now tell me how you feel

 I am not your rebound

 Of that i'm sure

 Maybe it’s because I wouldn’t or even shouldn’t

 But allow me to be blunt

This could be so much

 For my heart does not belong

I couldn’t have you, depart

I could be wrong, confusion

Reading more to it

 I didn’t want to be losing

But it’s so hard to start again

So tell me what you want

Second guessing

Telling myself calm down

You could have everything

Just tell me now

How do I

 

How do i not fall

How can i stay away

Protect my heart 

When your unavailable

Im drowning in alcohol

Cause you'll never stay

We'll always be apart

How do i guard

From your infectious smile

How do i not kiss

When your breath is mine

Make this heart hard

Every moment is worthwhile

Because soon it will be missed

How do i not give you all i am

How do i stay way

When i know your going

How do i not break

Will you draw me a diagram

To untangle the disarray

When i'm aggrieved 

This is how i survive

How to stay away

I forget every touch

Pretend those words were never said

I don't let my heart die

I won't let the days turn grey

There is no us

Until you say,

Hey

And i'm lost

ready

 

Im giddy like a school girl

Every kiss every look

Pins me down

Is this happening or real

It's time for the truth

You got me hooked

My palms get sweaty 

I'm nervous excited

While i get ready 

i had stopped thinking about

Me and you

Now the reality hinges me

You got me devout

To good to believe

My hair smells of your shampoo

Tender and strong

 heart on my sleeve

I'm all in 

Hold me close 

Kiss me again

flames

 Sweat glistens my forehead 

A warmth stretches at my core

I feel the tinders building

Your fingers plunging

I’ll be your whore

The fire spreads

As do my legs

I want more

Your lips devouring 

My whispered pleas

Your molten hands

Ravishing my skin

I am in your power

My knees shake 

As the fire builds

As I pant yes

Engulfed in your lips

Is this a dream

Our embers of passion

Let me never wake

I sweat I pant

You reach deeper

I rise my hips

We ignite

A inferno blazes

As I come… undone

Burned at this stake

blue eyes

 In the morning light

Your blue eyes reflect my face

I curl into your arms

Lay my head on your chest,

Breath you in

Our tender kisses are soft and slowly build

Enjoying this pace

You chuckle as it ends

 my hands slide along your jaw

I am enthralled by your charms

Those hooded blue eyes smile

I like this you

So relaxed and sweet

I'm caught up

In the ocean of your eyes

I got the best view

Of your morning face

I know the day should start

Drowning in the sky

possible 2001

In the dark and shadowed nights ,

My mind fought  

while deserted thoughts,

 Sought to destroy my life

 My breath

 Yet upon awakening

 There are no fights

 Inside my dreary confines

 I found rest

the title wave subsided

 As thoughts came and went

 I had a few fits

 I chose to MoveOn

To not invite my fear and foe

 The shadow will not overcome me

Nor pull me down below

 For through my brothers and sisters

 Recovery is possible

2001

Swells a aches

my heart swells and aches..

my heart bleeds and breaks

your smile is like the breeze

if you kissed me

I would be brought to my knees.

Oh this lonesome heart

that feels such hurt

say you will stay with me

long never to be apart

my heart longed to be near

my heart felt light and clear

Your loveliness

Makes me breathless

My heart bleeds

That I could love you

with no reservations

lovely stay please

I am

Remember all the fire 

Remember all the need 

Where did it go dying on the vine of inequities.

I want heat and desire

 I want to be the destroyer 

I am unwanted 

I am nothing more then a pretty picture of an example 

I am unfulfilled promise

Negotiations gone wrong

Pent up desire and hate

Longing for more then I am

I want to be disheveled 

Messy and disturbing 

I want bold and dirty 

Complicate me

Fill me to the brim 

Let’s take it to the edge, teetering 

I am a scratch you can’t reach

A breath you can’t take.

 I am pain and love fitting like a glove on your hand.

I am sad for loss I can’t explain 

For a need I can’t express.

I am all things and nothing.

I am slowly dying.

2003 slut

 Woke up in a strange house with only my underwear on 

With most of my respects still intact

I have to thank God for that

Trying to fix my loneliness

Intimacy still lacking it in the end

What kind of person does that make me

Trying to impress be cool and frank

But in the end I am just a fake

I feel so less than I know I am

But it does not solve anything

Before you

Before you

 struggle I do
I miss the old me
How do I find the person I was
When you broke her so
Shredded into small pieces
Where did the confidence go
Defeated in the love game
My heart a shattered thing
To be quashed by your foot
My face a flame
With desolate pain
Who is this person
Who resides in this body
A warped reflection
Darkened by the lack of sun
That was the inner joy
Now I am just a memory
A recollection

Mess

Let me let go

Of you

This body of flesh

He tears me up

Like my shredded napkin

Let there be an end 

A goodbye

I keep losing my breath 

Let it be true

 I cant handle this disrupt

If you really cared

You would let it happen

I can no longer try

To be what you need

Instead of what I crave

You barely tolerate 

Me being near

I can’t handle this fate

You come and go

Let’s just make it clear

Let me, let go

I’m tired of this mess

It’s such a shit show

Shame

This feeling inside

Wrenching and twisting me

Shame and guilt

I can not hide 

Eating my soul

For feelings I can’t control 

Your laugh is infectious 

Giving me rays of joy

It echoes in the mountains of my mind

I’m a creep, lurking behind 

Just to see that smile

Radiate on my darkness

Rental space occupied in my heart

Shame for how you feel

It’s not mine I just can’t end 

Guilt for making you uncomfortable 

Shame for a heart I can’t defend 

For love that I would steal 

make it go this overwhelming 

I’m tilted and unstable 

Filled with shame

This heart is Condescending

I have all the words of sorry

I am the one to hold the blame

your name

Written on my heart in sharpie

Covered in disgust 

For the way I made it awkward 

Losing all our trust

So now it’s all backward

For my shameful heart

Wish

I wish I was more 

That I could be someone 

That is happy and easy

Not this empty shell of a core

Broken and battered

I face this life of unease

My thoughts and feelings

in the wind scattered

I am meaningless words

I wish I was more

A thing I can see

 But everything’s blurry

I’m am the left behind

I wish I was more

Of the goodness in the world

Of sunshine

I am less then I should be

I am to much

Always in the wrong way

I wish I was more

Less hollow

Less of a lush

Lost

In a dark landscape 

And there is nothing I can say

I wish there was more

Are not

 I want you 

The way that my cat wants the sunlight 

stretched out and soaking it up

 feeling the warmth on their skin.

I want our moments to be bright

Meaningful, feelings amok

I want you like a warm blanket 

On a cold night

wrapped around me 

keeping me content

I want To be love drunk

Swooning on the high

 I want you like a hot shower

Relaxing in its touch 

Refreshing me

I want you 

Like a hot steamy night

Sweat glistening my body

The comfort of dark

I want you in a way your unprepared for

Takeing joy in what's right

Feeling us connect

I want to touch you

In the deepest parts of your soul

This journey we can embark 

I want you like a lover

With soft kisses 

And sweet embraces 

I want you like a fool

Ignorant of what others think

No longer hidden from cover

I want you to feel the same

No more near misses 

So into my arms 

You and I will sink

I want you to know my bliss

I want you for everything you are

And are not.